Play

If the above quote is true, we all need more play in our lives. Especially adults. Even more especially, parents. Very little that comes our way that is expected. 

The Gratitude Game: A Solution to the Grumbles

This was originally posted on my other blog, like the previous post was. But I thought it would go well on this one as well since it deals with parenting, so forgive me for posting it in two places.

 
So yesterday I wrote a response to some of the complaining and grumbling I had seen around facebook due to a second cancelled day of school on the heels of Christmas break. It gathered a few comments and reactions (oddly, none were directly on the blog, but all on my facebook link to it).

Admittedly, my children had been getting at each others' throats for a few days.  My wife connected it to when they found the old Super Nintendo, lugged it upstairs from its box in the basement, connected it to the television, and started playing. One controller was broken, so they could only play one player at a time. The non-playing brother would sit close by and offer "helpful" suggestions during play. Which inevitably led to sore feelings and inappropriate comments toward one another.

I pointed out that it didn't matter if they were playing video games or not. They were getting to the point of verbal combat with one another over the simplest thing, electronic or not.

And I understand that this is why some parents hate an unexpected day off from school. Especially on the heels of sixteen previous days. Especially when we've been in the midst of this "polar vortex" with -50 degree F windchill.

Thankfully (that word is about to come into play) I remembered all the writing I've done and all the conversations from friends about the importance of gratitude in one's life. So yesterday, on our drive to the YMCA for a little swimming (and to get out of the house) after a morning that wasn't completely pleasant around the house at times I made up a little game. It went like this:

"Okay, boys, we're going to play a little game (groans emerge from the back seat). Each of us is going to think up something that completes the sentence "I'm grateful for...or I'm thankful for..." (more groans). I'll start and then I'll count to five and then Anders has to share something before I finish counting. After he shares then it's on to Nils who has to share something before I count to five. Then it's back to me and we keep going. But if anyone doesn't think up something before I count to five, they're out. I'll give you a few seconds to think up at least two things your thankful for before I start."

By this time the moans had diminished and they were beginning to take it seriously. So I started. And the gratitude kept going around.

Some were serious: I'm grateful for a warm house; I'm thankful that the gas tank is full so I don't have to pump gas in this cold; I'm thankful for our Y membership right now; I'm grateful for the food we have to eat.

Some were more frivolous: I'm thankful for root beer; I'm grateful for candy; I'm thankful for Legos; I'm grateful for that I won Milles Bornes (the card game).

I had to mail a package at the post office on the way, so I had to pause the game then. We had already done nearly a dozen shares each. Now part of our bedtime routine is sharing something we're thankful for each day and then praying. Some days they have trouble coming up with something. But this format made it possible for them to keep going.

So I offer up a solution for those days of grumbling, fighting, and complaining: the gratitude game.

It can't hurt to give it a try. You might just be grateful you did.

Trying Not to Complain About Another Day with my Kids

Confession: There have been times the past few days when I've yelled at my children.

We've been home for two days with no school because of the sub-zero temperatures and dangerous windchill that has hit our area. This is on top of Christmas break, so we're looking at nearly 2 1/2 weeks at home with the kids. Yesterday's windchill dipped to -50 degrees Fahrenheit. It's cold here. We've been trapped inside. We all need to move a little more.

I could participate in the trend I see on facebook: complaining about having to be around my kids these two extra days because we're all going stir-crazy. Yes, I'm tired of their complaining--especially when asked to do a chore. Yes, I'm tired of their arguing with each other--especially when one is playing a video game and the other is trying to be "helpful" (yesterday they were each allowed 15 minutes of video game time and even then it resulted in tears). Yes, I'm tired of being inside, too, feeling like there's nothing to do even though there is plenty.

But complaining only breeds contempt. And while my children aren't on facebook right now, they will be someday. What kind of message would that send to them? Yes, kids, we brought you into this world and love you dearly, but I can't stand spending time with you...

Do they hear my grumbling or do they see my gratitude?

Gratitude? Of course. At least I can strive to have more gratitude than grumbling in my life...

Gratitude that I am able to be home with them on these cold days and not struggling to find child care to shuffle them off to. Gratitude that they had some time helping their mom bake cookies and getting to learn some kitchen skills. Gratitude that we had a little extra time together. 

Yes, we may get cabin fever and get a little stir-crazy, but how about using that extra energy toward some creative things to do together (and I fully admit that I don't always do this--that sometimes it's easier to do my own distraction and let the boys do theirs)? We did some cold experiments yesterday (along with half the facebook population in the Midwest). We threw boiling water in the air to see what happened (it was cool, but not as impressive as we thought it might be). We put a plate of dish-soap bubbles outside. We tried blowing bubbles to see them freeze (most popped before they froze). We had friends who froze a t-shirt and broke it in half and who played ice-bowling. It's too cold to be outside for long, but it's perfectly fine for short periods of time.

How about teaching children a new skill in the kitchen? Or having them help with a project that requires tools? Or simply doing some household chores together? Our boys enjoyed simply pulling off the blue trim tape after a painting project.

So many people are on pinterest, that I'm sure there's plenty of great things to try with children there (I haven't opened up that time-distraction--I've got enough as it is!). My boys have filled up several pages in the sketch books they received in their stockings at Christmas. My youngest is creating things with duct tape.

We haven't really had much screen time (mainly because they've lost some of it from bad attitudes; if we hadn't been coming off a two week break, we maybe would have considered a movie marathon, but we'd already watch several movies at night in the past few weeks), but we've played plenty of board and card games. And of course, there's plenty of reading adventures! Sometimes we take a break and all read together (last year we read through The Hobbit during one evening a week).

Maybe a good project together is to make a collage of things you are thankful for. Gratitude might just be a better way to spend a day rather than grumbling.

With that said, we're about to try and get the car started so we can go to the YMCA. My youngest will complain about the temperature of the water in the swimming pool (the child has zero body fat which is to his detriment for swimming time). But I'm grateful we have a car we can travel with, I'm grateful that we have a few months of Y membership, I'm grateful we can exercise together, and I'm grateful the gas tank is full enough that I don't have to stop and fill it in the cold.

Hopefully I can pass some of that gratitude on to my sons. 

Solution to a Bed-time Battle (for now at least)

Some nights our kids can dawdle on forever in getting ready for bed. Which would frustrate us to no end when it would take 20 or 30 minutes to brush teeth, get out clothes for the next day, and get pajamas on--stopping to play with Legos or do a dance only added to it. We knew they could easily do 3-5 minutes.

They always wanted time reading before lights out (gone are most days when they request us to read to them), but sometimes that time was getting way past what we liked.

So my wife came up with this strategy that seems to be working a little better: before they get ready for bed, we say they're allowed to read until a certain time (say 8:20). If they get ready quickly, then they have a lot of time to read. Of course there will be those nights where they just want to dawdle and don't care about ready, but it seems to be working fairly well.

Good job, dear.

Talks

I heard an adolescent girl at church last night saying that her parents hadn't had "the puberty talk" with her yet. She continued to say that she didn't need it--she had heard it all at school. Now I don't doubt that her parents have had some version of "the talk" with her--maybe not just as she expects it should be.

It was a reminder for me, though, that as a parent I need to be the source of information for my children. Not the only source, and maybe not even the main source, but I definitely need to be talking with them. If my wife and I aren't talking with them, then our kids are getting all their information elsewhere: "the puberty talk," drugs, alcohol, racism, etc.

So talk with them. Tell them the things they need to know. Tell them your expectations.  Tell them why. Tell them why not. Tell them your stories. But talk.

Motivation

Confession: I (and my wife) get frustrated (and maybe sometimes angry) that our son doesn't want to do the things he needs to do.

At the end of the last school year, our then second grader made a list of goals for the summer as part of an assignment. Despite reminders I don't think heh ever looked at them.

One of our goals for him was for him to have his multiplication facts memorized. Admittedly, I didn't follow through with it as well as I should have, with using driving time in the car to work on a fact family and such. 

He's a kid with a delicate ego and sometimes poor self-esteem. He's said at times he feels like he's "the worst kid in the world." 

We try to be loving and encouraging as much as possible. Apparently we don't always nurture that very well, though. At least it feels like our efforts haven't paid off in creating an "I-can-do-it" attitude.

We've tried various approaches: encouragement, check-lists, even the occasional bribe. Nothing's been effective. And ultimately we want him to have the self-motivation to do things on his own because he desires to achieve things.

So, I'd love to hear what works for you...how do you instill a desire in your child to accomplish the tasks before him that aren't going to go away? How do you help keep a child motivated? 

A Confession of Frustration

Confession: I was not a good parent today.

I yelled at my kids this morning. First for me having to tell them more than once to put their swim suits on for swimming lessons. Then for not clearing their spots at the table after having told them to do so. (We've been working on only having to tell them something once. We haven't had the greatest success yet).

Then I got extremely frustrated with my 4 1/2 year old at swim lessons. We're at the end of them (8 days of lessons). He hasn't done anything. Granted, when I called in, I didn't know the difference between the levels very well and signed them both up for a class that was too easy for them, so he may just be bored. And the water has been colder this last week. But he was also playing in it before the lifeguards came out to teach. And at that point he would only stand on the side and shiver. Yesterday one of the teachers saw that he could actually swim (fairly well)for the first time. So I've been frustrated with wasting my money and my time as well as his opportunity.

So I've been a bit on edge the rest of the day. A bit of the short fuse when dealing with the neighbor kids playing here. A bit short with my boys when they've asked to do something.

I think I'm also anxious because I'm looking for some work for this fall as our youngest is going to do pre-kindergarten (actually Children's House at his brother's Montessori school). I'm trying to find something that will be flexible with the school schedule and still pays decent enough to help pay those new bills. One of the things I'm looking into is substitute teaching, but I'm awaiting the state to process my license before I can do much with applying at the schools. And I have this fear that it'll take a while because of the government shut down last month (which is also why I haven't been able to apply for the license earlier this summer). Finding a job is never easy--but especially in today's economy. So that adds some pressure.

Which all points to me needing some time to take care of myself. Maybe a bike ride is in order for tonight. Or a concert in the park. Or both. Something to help so my kids don't need to be afraid of me tomorrow.

Happy Camper

Confession: I'm saddened how easily my son left for camp this morning. I'm also thankful.

He's usually the sensitive one who cries when he has to be away from us. This morning we put him on the bus for Bible Camp (two hours away). It's the first time he's able to go away by himself. Alone. Except that one of his friends from church was with him. They were sitting together on the bus. Waving to us. Smiling and laughing. No tears. Not on his part, at least.

He'll be seven in two weeks. I guess he's growing up.

His younger brother, however, was crying quite a bit as the bus pulled away. Which is funny in a way since he's gone through two years of being alone with me while his brother is at school. He's been fine the rest of the day, though.

I think the hardest part is not being there to experience everything with him. To encourage him. To protect him. To see his joy.

But I'm grateful he was excited to go to camp by himself (even before his friend from church signed up). I'm grateful I don't have to worry too much about him while he's gone. I'm thankful for the experience he'll have.

I just hope he remembers to bring home all his stuff.

I've Missed You, Honey

Confession: I couldn't be a single parent. I don't know how those of you who are do it all the time.

My wife just landed at the airport. Friends are picking her up (the boys are in bed). She's been gone since Sunday. It's been a long week. I think mainly because I still had three days of watching my niece and nephew (ages 2 1/2 and almost 1). And I didn't sleep as well--between the 80+ degree day that didn't cool off and same animal scurrying around on the attic beams and just not having her next to me I suppose.

The house isn't as put together as I'd like. Yesterday we had a Kindergarten assessment for Nils, a dentist appointment for Anders and T-ball practice for Nils (plus getting groceries and other errands). Tomorrow we're meeting with a couple whose wedding I'll be doing next month--and I'm not yet fully prepared for that.

And so I'm thankful she'll be home soon. I've missed her. And I've missed "us"--as in what we're able to do together that is so much harder on my own.

I also think that we stay-at-home dads get overlooked when we're on my own. I know when I'm gone my wife often gets invited to other's. And when other women are gone (whose husbands aren't normally with the kids), they often get help extended to them. Not that I'm jealous or blaming anyone for not inviting me over. I could have made some calls if I needed. I say it more to remind myself to offer help to those who need it. There are a lot of single parents are trying to cope on their own every day. So kudos to you who are doing it. And let's remember the importance of community when parenting. We need each other.

The Death of a Hammock

Confession: I'm frustrated right now. I just set up a "new" hammock (new to us) this afternoon. As soon as the neighbor boys came over after school it was broken. Thirteen of the ropes at least. It was a free hammock from another stay-at-home dad. But I hadn't really gotten to use it yet. And I'm mainly frustrated because I had asked my son and the other two boys not to play on it--that it was just for laying on--because I noticed a couple ropes were broken after they started playing on it.

The hammock may be fixable...or at the very least I'll see if I can find one off of craigslist. I'm mainly frustrated because I want our house to be a place where the kids can play. But I want to know they'll listen and respect things. And I'm slightly frustrated that I didn't even get an "I'm sorry" from anyone (my son did say sorry a bit later).

But that all goes with the territory. You often end up parenting other kids, too (it's that "it takes a village" thing). And you hope that some day your influence and witness pays off.

A Prayer for Parents

Today's concluding prayer of the church in the Midday Office of The Divine Hours reads:

Almighty God, heavenly Father, you have blessed us with the joy and care of children: Give us calm strength and patient wisdom as we bring them up so that we may teach them to love whatever is just and true and good, following the example of blessed St. Joseph, through Jesus Christ our Lord.

We don't know much about Joseph, the earthly father of Jesus, but he must have been a good father to Jesus (Jesus, at least, didn't seem to have a lot of "father issues"). And a prayer for strength and wisdom in parenting is always a good thing in my book. May it be so.

Yelling

Confession: I've done too much yelling today.

My 2-year old niece and my 4-year old son spent much of the morning arguing with each other--wanting what the other had, telling the other to do/not do something, being in each other's personal space a little too much.

The thing is, when I find myself getting to the point of yelling--or even just upset--it's because of me, not them. I get to that point when I don't respond immediately. And that's not always easy to do when I'm in the midst of preparing lunch or cleaning or working on something else or feeding my 9-month old nephew. But if I take the time and deal with appropriate consequences immediately, I don't get to the point of yelling. When the kids start arguing with each other I should immediately put them in separate chairs until they're ready to play nicely together or play separately from each other.

When I'm getting to the point of being frustrated or angry, it's usually because I haven't stepped in right away and given the kids appropriate consequences for their actions. Sure, it's easier to turn a blind eye or keep working on my project, but often things escalate and I find myself getting upset.

I am the adult. I am in control. Or I should be--I need to be. When I am in control of the activities in my house, my emotions are in control. That doesn't mean being an overlord (like the father in the Von Trapp family who had a lot of order in his house, but little relationship with his kids until Maria came along). The kids have freedom, but they also have boundaries. And so do I. And that makes us all happy. Most of the time, at least.

Einstein Parenting

‎"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." — Albert Einstein

It's important to know the differing abilities within our children--and how they differ from us. It's important to encourage and challenge them to take on difficult tasks and persevere through tasks they may not like or enjoy. But it's also important to recognize their gifts that we may not naturally encourage. If you're an athlete, you may tend to overlook your son's artistic abilities. If you're a bookworm, you may push reading (which is good), but neglect your daughter's gift with tools. Search for the genius in your child.

More from Kevin Leman

Here's Dr. Keven Leman's Top Ten Countdown to Having a New Kid by Friday:

1. Be 100% consistent in your behavior
2. Always follow through on what you say you will do.
3. Respond, don't react.
4. Count to 10 and ask yourself, "What would my old self do in this situation? What should the new me do?"
5. Never threaten your kids.
6. Never get angry. (When you do get angry, apologize quickly.)
7. Don't give any warnings. (If you warn your child, you're saying, "You're stupid. I have to tell you twice.")
8. Ask yourself, "Whose problem is this?" (Don't own what isn't yours.)
9. Don't think the misbehavior will go away.
10. Keep a happy face on, even when you want to...do something else. (Taken from p. 289 of Have a New Kid by Friday)

Hopefully, some of those grabbed your attention to implement with your kids. I encourage you to pick up his book to find out more of what those mean and how to put them into practice.

Have A New Kid by Friday

If you haven't read a book by Dr. Kevin Leman, I encourage you to do so. He's been our go-to-guy for issues of parenting, relationships and marriage. My wife used a video series of his back when she was leading a moms' group, and it was very insightful.

So, when we were having a recent bout of the battle-of-wills in our house, we finally decided to get a copy of Have a New Kid by Friday from the library. It's a wonderful book--I actually just ordered used copy online. Basically, I only wouldn't recommend reading the book if you're completely happy with your child's behavior all the time or if you're not willing to put any effort into parenting. The book is laid out in five easy chapters (Monday - Friday) that give steps for preparing to change your household.

Monday: Observe your household. Ask yourself what areas in your relationship with your child are most troublesome. Decide where you'd like things to be. Be willing to act and stand by it.

Tuesday: Look at attitudes, behavior and character (yours and the kids). Realize that the kids are getting their behaviors from somewhere, and their parents are the most logical source. Be willing to change your actions.

Wednesday: Evaluate your parenting style (authoritarian, permissive or authoritative/responsible) and how your child responds to your style. Look at steps you can take to be more balanced in your style.

Thursday: Look at Acceptance (unconditional), Belonging (emphasizing it within your family) and Competence (spurring them on). Stop praising your child (which links their worth to their actions) and invest more in encouraging them.

Friday: Evaluate your plan and where you want to get to. Think through how you usually respond and how you intend to now. Do it.

The bulk of the book looks at specific issues (from bed wetting to manners to fashion), helping work through how to approach them.

That may be a trite summary, but I hope it encourages you to check the book out if you want to improve your relationship with your kids. You're in control--make your home a place where everyone enjoys being.

Spiritual Development of Children

Yesterday morning my wife and I attended a workshop at our church. Viv Houk, author of Parenting by Developmental Design: You, Your Child and God and a member of our church, shared about the spiritual development of children. It was a good workshop--no big "aha moments," but plenty to think about.

She hit on the spiritual development progress of children: the need for protective love, order, fairness and justice, forgiveness and heroes to follow. We talked about a child's spiritual experience--how it's innate in all children, even if they don't have exposure to faith within the home. We talked about what children need in order to have their faith nurtured.

One of the main things that stuck out to us was the importance of including children. We're thankful to be in a church that values the presence of children in worship. Not only do children learn from us, but we need them to learn from as well. Too often, children are encouraged to be "seen and not heard" in churches. And too often in homes as well. It's important for children to belong, to be needed.

We discussed the importance of including children in chores around the home. It's not easy--sometimes they cause tasks to take much longer than they need in times when we want to get things done quickly. Children just want time with us, though. It's important for their development.

Mom Time (aka The Date)

My wife is pretty good about making time for each of the boys once in a while. She takes them out on a date. It's usually just to the cookie shop down the road, but what more does a boy want for a date? Cookies, time with mom, sometimes a board game. It's the life.

It's important for her to get individualized time with each of the boys. It's important for them as well. Encourage your spouse to take that time. It doesn't have to be much--just some focused time to remind them that they're special. And that their parents love them. Plus, you don't need a baby-sitter for this kind of date.

Now to figure out how to do that with my wife...

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

This morning I overheard one of our neighbors yelling at the bus driver for yelling at her kid on the bus. I could only hear the "conversation" from the parent's side, but she proceeded to cuss the bus driver out and invite them off the bus to fight. The bus driver wisely closed the door and drove away.

Whether or not the bus driver had yelled at the kids on the bus, yelling back at the bus driver didn't get anywhere. If you're trying to make sure your kids are respected, don't disrespect them by treating others poorly. There is a lot of irony that she was yelling at the bus driver for yelling at her kid. In fact, she disrespected all the kids on the bus (as well as the driver, of course) by responding to the driver with yelling and abusive language. We don't need to teach kids that the solution to a problem is to yell, call names and fight.

When we yell at others, we often show our own issues (if we take the time to look at ourselves). Getting upset over other's shortcomings reveals our impatience, disrespectfulness or anger issues. Of course, we all have our issues; none are perfect. But let's respect our kids in teaching them to handle issues properly (as well as dealing with our own issues), being respectful of others (as well as our children). Most cultures have some form of Jesus' Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do to you." Treat others the way you want to be treated--the way you want your children to be treated.

10 Digits on Their Arms

I found the free pass to the Minnesota Zoo at the library this week so I took the boys yesterday. I usually take a sharpie marker and write my cell phone number somewhere on the boys' arms in case the get separated from me. Forgetting to do that yesterday, I discovered that the customer service desk has wristbands that are available for writing such information on. Thankfully, I didn't loose them. They wander off sometimes, but I can usually find them pretty readily. Once when Anders was pretty little, he wandered away from me in a Toys R Us store. I could not find the little squirt anywhere. Thankfully, a store employee directed me to him.

Some days just not loosing your kids is an accomplishment. Last night the devotion in the boys' Bible was about Jesus, when He was twelve years old, traveling with His family to Jerusalem to Passover. When they leave Jerusalem to go back home to Nazareth, Mary and Joseph assume Jesus is with some other people in their traveling party. It's not until the next day that they figure out that Jesus isn't with them, so they turn around and find Him in the temple (His "Father's house") impressing all the rabbis with His knowledge.

How does one loose the Messiah--their twelve year-old son--for an entire day and not even notice? We haven't gotten to take a lot of trips, but whenever we leave some place I know to always check and make sure everyone is in the car. I guess if God had enough trust in Joseph and Mary to let them parent Jesus, I can have confidence in my parenting abilities, too. Sometimes it's nice to know we're in good company.

More Parenting Advice

I came across a piece of parenting advice that I forgot to mention the last time (click here for the previous article on my parenting advice).

Never make threats or promises you can't keep. I remembered this one as I almost violated it tonight. The boys weren't staying in bed and trying to get to sleep. I almost said, "Stay in your beds or you won't be having a playdate at your friend's house tomorrow night." They're supposed to go over to their best friend's house tomorrow around supper time so that Beth and I can have a few hours out to celebrate our anniversary (13 years today). I'm not going to take away our date night because the boys weren't settling down tonight.

A few more, while I'm thinking of them:

Don't give your kids everything they ask for. I see a lot of kids who have every toy they want, go any place they want, do anything they want. They're going to be in for a rude awakening when they're out on their own and a boss doesn't give them that raise they ask for or a professor doesn't change their grade after they ask. A big part of parenting is to raise our children to be able to live without us around some day, instilling them with good values, common sense and a strong character. I think we often do our children better by teaching them they don't always get what they want.

Teach children to work hard. Again, this is another area of preparing them for their adult lives, and it's kind of connected to the previous point. I had to pay for college myself. Because of that, I never skipped a class unless I was sick (because I knew how much each class was costing me). I also made sure I wasn't going to have to take a class a second time. I grew up on a farm and had chores (inside and outside the house) since I was young. I may not always be the best example of hard work (I admit there are times I get too wrapped up in time-wasters), but I know that working hard makes me feel better, often helps other people and gets the job done.

So, as parents, let us set the example and work hard to raise our children right. It pays off.