The Gratitude Game: A Solution to the Grumbles

This was originally posted on my other blog, like the previous post was. But I thought it would go well on this one as well since it deals with parenting, so forgive me for posting it in two places.

 
So yesterday I wrote a response to some of the complaining and grumbling I had seen around facebook due to a second cancelled day of school on the heels of Christmas break. It gathered a few comments and reactions (oddly, none were directly on the blog, but all on my facebook link to it).

Admittedly, my children had been getting at each others' throats for a few days.  My wife connected it to when they found the old Super Nintendo, lugged it upstairs from its box in the basement, connected it to the television, and started playing. One controller was broken, so they could only play one player at a time. The non-playing brother would sit close by and offer "helpful" suggestions during play. Which inevitably led to sore feelings and inappropriate comments toward one another.

I pointed out that it didn't matter if they were playing video games or not. They were getting to the point of verbal combat with one another over the simplest thing, electronic or not.

And I understand that this is why some parents hate an unexpected day off from school. Especially on the heels of sixteen previous days. Especially when we've been in the midst of this "polar vortex" with -50 degree F windchill.

Thankfully (that word is about to come into play) I remembered all the writing I've done and all the conversations from friends about the importance of gratitude in one's life. So yesterday, on our drive to the YMCA for a little swimming (and to get out of the house) after a morning that wasn't completely pleasant around the house at times I made up a little game. It went like this:

"Okay, boys, we're going to play a little game (groans emerge from the back seat). Each of us is going to think up something that completes the sentence "I'm grateful for...or I'm thankful for..." (more groans). I'll start and then I'll count to five and then Anders has to share something before I finish counting. After he shares then it's on to Nils who has to share something before I count to five. Then it's back to me and we keep going. But if anyone doesn't think up something before I count to five, they're out. I'll give you a few seconds to think up at least two things your thankful for before I start."

By this time the moans had diminished and they were beginning to take it seriously. So I started. And the gratitude kept going around.

Some were serious: I'm grateful for a warm house; I'm thankful that the gas tank is full so I don't have to pump gas in this cold; I'm thankful for our Y membership right now; I'm grateful for the food we have to eat.

Some were more frivolous: I'm thankful for root beer; I'm grateful for candy; I'm thankful for Legos; I'm grateful for that I won Milles Bornes (the card game).

I had to mail a package at the post office on the way, so I had to pause the game then. We had already done nearly a dozen shares each. Now part of our bedtime routine is sharing something we're thankful for each day and then praying. Some days they have trouble coming up with something. But this format made it possible for them to keep going.

So I offer up a solution for those days of grumbling, fighting, and complaining: the gratitude game.

It can't hurt to give it a try. You might just be grateful you did.

Trying Not to Complain About Another Day with my Kids

Confession: There have been times the past few days when I've yelled at my children.

We've been home for two days with no school because of the sub-zero temperatures and dangerous windchill that has hit our area. This is on top of Christmas break, so we're looking at nearly 2 1/2 weeks at home with the kids. Yesterday's windchill dipped to -50 degrees Fahrenheit. It's cold here. We've been trapped inside. We all need to move a little more.

I could participate in the trend I see on facebook: complaining about having to be around my kids these two extra days because we're all going stir-crazy. Yes, I'm tired of their complaining--especially when asked to do a chore. Yes, I'm tired of their arguing with each other--especially when one is playing a video game and the other is trying to be "helpful" (yesterday they were each allowed 15 minutes of video game time and even then it resulted in tears). Yes, I'm tired of being inside, too, feeling like there's nothing to do even though there is plenty.

But complaining only breeds contempt. And while my children aren't on facebook right now, they will be someday. What kind of message would that send to them? Yes, kids, we brought you into this world and love you dearly, but I can't stand spending time with you...

Do they hear my grumbling or do they see my gratitude?

Gratitude? Of course. At least I can strive to have more gratitude than grumbling in my life...

Gratitude that I am able to be home with them on these cold days and not struggling to find child care to shuffle them off to. Gratitude that they had some time helping their mom bake cookies and getting to learn some kitchen skills. Gratitude that we had a little extra time together. 

Yes, we may get cabin fever and get a little stir-crazy, but how about using that extra energy toward some creative things to do together (and I fully admit that I don't always do this--that sometimes it's easier to do my own distraction and let the boys do theirs)? We did some cold experiments yesterday (along with half the facebook population in the Midwest). We threw boiling water in the air to see what happened (it was cool, but not as impressive as we thought it might be). We put a plate of dish-soap bubbles outside. We tried blowing bubbles to see them freeze (most popped before they froze). We had friends who froze a t-shirt and broke it in half and who played ice-bowling. It's too cold to be outside for long, but it's perfectly fine for short periods of time.

How about teaching children a new skill in the kitchen? Or having them help with a project that requires tools? Or simply doing some household chores together? Our boys enjoyed simply pulling off the blue trim tape after a painting project.

So many people are on pinterest, that I'm sure there's plenty of great things to try with children there (I haven't opened up that time-distraction--I've got enough as it is!). My boys have filled up several pages in the sketch books they received in their stockings at Christmas. My youngest is creating things with duct tape.

We haven't really had much screen time (mainly because they've lost some of it from bad attitudes; if we hadn't been coming off a two week break, we maybe would have considered a movie marathon, but we'd already watch several movies at night in the past few weeks), but we've played plenty of board and card games. And of course, there's plenty of reading adventures! Sometimes we take a break and all read together (last year we read through The Hobbit during one evening a week).

Maybe a good project together is to make a collage of things you are thankful for. Gratitude might just be a better way to spend a day rather than grumbling.

With that said, we're about to try and get the car started so we can go to the YMCA. My youngest will complain about the temperature of the water in the swimming pool (the child has zero body fat which is to his detriment for swimming time). But I'm grateful we have a car we can travel with, I'm grateful that we have a few months of Y membership, I'm grateful we can exercise together, and I'm grateful the gas tank is full enough that I don't have to stop and fill it in the cold.

Hopefully I can pass some of that gratitude on to my sons. 

The Birthday Sleepover

Our oldest son turns 9 tomorrow. In the past we've let them invite one friend for each year of age. Last year he invited 8 friends over. This year, since he's getting bigger, we gave the option of having a sleepover. We mutually decided that two friends was a good start for the first non-family sleepover.

We did it simple and low-key, but I think everyone had fun (except for the friend who was homesick and went home before anyone was asleep, but he knew coming into the party that he would have a hard time staying away from home--and he had fun except for bed-time).

Personally, I think a lot of birthday parties have gotten out of control. It's great to celebrate and have fun, but we're not going to spend a few hundred dollars on a party. And we find that we don't need to in order for the boys to feel celebrated on their birthdays. They mainly want to hang out with friends anyway (okay, maybe open some presents, too).

So we did a grilled supper outside. The birthday "cake" was a frozen fruit bar.

It has become a tradition, I guess, that we make an obstacle course in the yard. Since this one is a summer birthday, we incorporate the swimming pool and water guns. By the end, it's just a water fight with very wet kids.

After drying off, they gave their gifts, played a few games on the Wii together, and then watched the old Disney Swiss Family Robinson movie while munching on popcorn.

They were pretty tired after that, so the got a fair amount of sleep. We told them the rule of the house was not to wake anyone else up--if you're the first one up and don't want to try and get back to sleep, you're welcome to go downstairs and have a bite to eat (fruit and cereal was on the table) and play. Once everyone was up, we did the real breakfast.

It also turned out that it was the Kid's Workshop day at Home Depot, so we headed there and did their building project.

Simple. Fun. Enjoyable. And the 9-year old had a good time.

Kids Workshops at Home Depot

The first Saturday of the month Home Depot hosts their Kids Workshop. There are always several people there, but I'm always surprised at how many people aren't there. Our Home Depot is about 4 miles away. It's next to one of the closest Target stores. And it's still close to the inner-city. But the parents with children seem nearly suburban. Aside from a few Hispanic families and and occasional Hispanic family, almost everyone is European. I don't see African-American families there. Maybe other stores are different. I encourage more families--especially from my neighborhood--to take advantage of this opportunity.

Children receive an apron which they can wear and bring back each time (especially important with projects that require painting). They also get a little pin to put on their apron to show which projects they've completed (my boys have a jumble of nearly a dozen). They also get a certificate of completion at the end.

But the best part is letting them get to build things. When we started going, the boys usually needed us to help--especially hammering the nails into the wood. And almost always there is hammering to do (as well as securing it in place with wood glue first). Often painting. Sometimes stickers. They've made napkin holders, bird feeders, planters, picture frames, and today's project: race cars.  And it's free.

Today the boys hardly required any help from me (they each had one nail hole where the nail kept slipping sideways)--they pretty much did it all on their own. It's time together and I get to teach them how to use tools with projects they're interested in helping in.

The Birthday Party

Confession: I let my youngest son (who just turned six today) do all the work for this birthday party.

Not all the work. But he really had it planned out well. Last year I had made an obstacle course for his super-hero themed party. Apparently that was a big hit. He had spent weeks drawing out one for this year. Then he made a 3-D model of it. Seriously. He did. It involved string, cut-out paper folded dimensionally, and a few other things. Unfortunately, it rained a bit last night and the morning was quite dreary (we initially were told we'd have a big winter storm today), so we didn't set up the course. But then 15 minutes before the party started, we decided to do a short version of it. The sun came out and it ended up being 65.

He had also planned a game of "Pin the Head on the Lego Guy" (a version of the donkey game). He had drawn a Lego guy and made cut-out heads for the kids to put on it.

He had brought home some of his recent works from school, so he decorated by taping some of those on the walls.

He had also requested a Lego cake. You might have guessed there was a Lego theme going on. The boys learned at some point that if the presents their friends bring often go with the theme. So they come up with themes based on the presents they want. Shameless, I know. We didn't even announce the theme ahead of time; apparently he had told all his friends that it was a Lego theme. Which I guess works--the other parents don't have to guess what kind of present he might like.

We had also picked up some crafts at Michaels for them to do. Which, we should have thought before hand about having to have six Kindertarten-and-under kids trying to put together a wooden model...they required a bit of help with that. But over all it turned out pretty well.

And I never like coming up with activities, so it worked out well him having put it together. I heartily recommend getting the birthday kid involved in planning their party.

Happy birthday to my 6-year old!

The Holidays

Our intention during Advent and Christmas is to focus on why our family marks these celebrations. We try not to fill our days with hectic busyness, hours at the malls or making out lengthy lists of things we want, but be intentional about what we do and how we do it. We try to create space for hope, peace, joy and love. As well as family, fun and generosity.

To read about some of our holiday family traditions, go to these links:

Shoeboxes

St. Nicholas Day

Putting up our Tree on Santa Lucia Day

I share our traditions not to say our way is right or pass judgment on anyone who celebrates differently, but to encourage you to make the holidays about what you desire them to be--not about what consumerism and commercialism try to make them. May this season be meaningful for your family--not something you dread.

Boys' Camping Trip

Confession: I need my wife. This is not a new revelation, but I was reminded of it when I took the boys camping by myself this weekend.

My wife helps my remember the things that are needed: all our water bottles, the bug spray, snack food. I did remember my son's new inhalers. And everything else we needed. So we weren't out too much.

I haven't taken the boys camping as just a "guy's thing" before. Mostly because I do need my wife to help me remember everything. And because I enjoy the time with her as well...especially sitting around the campfire when the boys are in bed. And the boys like to have her there as well...especially since they're not around her as much. My 4 1/2 year old cried for the first 10 minutes after we drove away from home.

Still, it was good to do. We haven't gotten much camping in this summer (which seems like a theme from the several past years). It was good to have some lessons about helping (everyone's got to pitch in to have the tent up and ready for sleeping in) as well as plenty of lessons about obedience, good attitudes and having fun. Not to mention lessons about camping and nature.

We went to Baker Park upon the recommendation of friends. It's only a half hour's drive from home, so we could get back quickly if we needed to (which thankfully we didn't, but I wasn't sure because my youngest started out the day sick and we almost didn't go). It had nice bike trails, a good beach, a play area, and for those who need it, nice restroom facilities with running water (no pit toilets) and good showers.

It was a great way to spend some time in this last week before school starts (hoping to fit in a few more family trips yet this fall).

A Seven-Year Old's Birthday Party

Confession: We went simple.

Years ago when our eldest son was nearing the age when he would start having birthday parties that involved inviting friends over and not just family members, I declared that we weren't going to have a big party every year. Maybe every other. But I didn't want to do a big fancy party every year. It can get out of control.

However, since Anders turned three, I believe, we've had a birthday party for him. Partly because we ended up moving a few times during those last four years, and I think we partly did them to compensate for some of his losses. And of course, we had to do the same for his younger brother once Nils came of age. And so it became a yearly requirement.

This year I said I wasn't up for programming a big party. We caught Anders in an agreeable mood, and he asked if he could just have a playdate with a few friends from school he hasn't seen in a while.

So three of his friends met us at a nearby regional park with a nice play center and wading pool with a big boulder in the center that sprays water in various directions. The boys played for a while, then we had a simple meal (hot dogs, chips, carrots). They played some more, then we had "cake" (cupcakes made in the shape of a caterpillar). Then the boys played some more until it was time to go home.

They had fun, and we didn't have to do much work. It helps that his birthday is in the summer, which provides many options for play. It also helps that kids are content with just being together and playing.

So, happy seventh birthday (his golden birthday), Anders! You've brought a lot of joy into our lives the past seven years. We're looking forward to seeing the wonderful kind of man you'll grow to be.

Getting Some Dirt Under Our Fingernails

Right after we moved into our new house last summer I put up a 4x4 frame for a garden (thanks to my wonderful wife who stumbled across a good deal on some cedar 4x4s. We stumbled across another good deal on cedar and yesterday the boys and I built another raised bed. I've been trying to utilize the square-foot method of gardening (here's the wikipedia article--do a search and you can find more in-depth articles) . It's very sensible and easy for the boys to take some ownership with. Plus, weeding is easy and no chemicals are needed.

So the boys helped build it, and they helped get the ground ready (we're using the lasagna gardening method to get started). I've like to start my plants from seeds generally. That's the fun part for me--being a part of the whole growth process. I'll even save seeds from my plants for the next year. So a few seeds are getting started inside (tomatoes, peppers, broccoli, cauliflower). The boys planted some flower seeds in the planter boxes the made at Home Depot last weekend. Other seeds will get planted once the ground his warm enough (and I've got some dirt in the second frame). We're skipping corn this year since we learned that it's hopeless to fight the rodents in our yard. But we'll have some carrots, lettuce, peas, beans, kale, okra, eggplant, squash, radishes, turnips, and hopefully parsnips and rutabagas. And in a few months, we'll have some good fresh veggies to eat.

Hammering Along

Yesterday I had to run to a few stores to pick up some items. The first stop was Home Depot. I wasn't thinking that it was the first Saturday of the month, so the store had a special kids' project going on. We had never made it to one before. They had a little planter box for the kids to make. It was just a pre-packaged deal, but it involved gluing and hammering.

We hadn't done a project together before that involved hammering nails. I was quite impressed with their skills. We only had one bent nail out of the day. I started doing Nils' nails for him, but after the first two I let him go at it and he did great. And, with a Home Depot apron (which Nils proceeded to wear to the next couple stops) along with the planter, they really had a good time.

Sledding on the Plains

This last weekend the boys and I went to my parents' house in Iowa for the weekend for my dad's 60th birthday. One of the things we like to do on the farm in the winter is sled behind the tractor since our hills are long and gradual and not great for sledding. Dad went into town to track down a hood off an old vehicle to use; he found one from an old truck that wasn't the most ideal, but it worked. It got tied behind the tractor and placed upside down. Several layers of blankets were put on top of it along with some ropes to hold onto. With the grandkids he'd go slower, with the adults faster (fast enough to try and get people to fall off--and fast enough that they returned with a several-inch layer of snow). It was beautiful weather for it (if anything, a bit too warm, making us all wet).

Mom Time (aka The Date)

My wife is pretty good about making time for each of the boys once in a while. She takes them out on a date. It's usually just to the cookie shop down the road, but what more does a boy want for a date? Cookies, time with mom, sometimes a board game. It's the life.

It's important for her to get individualized time with each of the boys. It's important for them as well. Encourage your spouse to take that time. It doesn't have to be much--just some focused time to remind them that they're special. And that their parents love them. Plus, you don't need a baby-sitter for this kind of date.

Now to figure out how to do that with my wife...

Finger Painting

Nils has been into finger-painting lately (so much so that the paints are hardly a recognizable color anymore). Tonight I broke out a few canvases that were tossed away at our old apartment. There were three of them, so we each got to get our fingers dirty. It's been years since I've finger-painted, but the boys always enjoy doing things together. So, that's my piece of advice for today: play along with your kids. Use those crayons in a coloring book, push that train around the track, create with Legos, stack a tower with building blocks, create a new fashion for Barbie. Play and have fun (but remember it's for the kids--I know it can become easy to get too focused on that amazing house you're building with Legos).

Nils' abstract untitled work, Anders' flower on a hill (with mixing palette on the side) and my ode to "Starry Night"

Shutterbugs

My boys enjoy taking pictures. We even found a real, working digital camera made by Little Tykes for them at a thrift shop for $3. This past weekend I took the boys to the Minneapolis Sculpture Garden. I actually took their camera with, but didn't double-check the batteries I had just recharged and put in it. So we all shared my camera.

Here's some of the pictures from my 3 1/2 year old (most of his were easy to identify because a part of his body was in the picture; I didn't include all those).

And here are some of the pictures taken by my almost-6-year old.

Gutter Ball

A friend of mine bought a cheap pass to a bowling alley that he has taken us with a few times. Only Nils has gotten to bowl--Anders has been in school when we go. But it's a fun time for the hour we get (which can be a little long for a 3-year old at times).

The local bowling alley (Park Tavern & Bowl) has these nice scoring machines that you can program which players need bumpers and other things. The kids enjoy it--and it doesn't matter much how they do.

I've heard of several bowling alleys around that offer free bowling for kids in the mornings. Check it out if you haven't tried it with your kids yet.

Cooling Off

It's hot. Very hot. It's 95 right now. And the humidity is pretty high. It was 75% this morning. Last year our hottest day of the year was in May. I hope that's not the case again this year. We didn't get much opportunity to swim in the lake. The sad thing is that none of the pools or splash pads open until the first of June. We could use a trip to the splash pad now.

So, we're left to resort to the best methods of cooling off: popsicles and water guns. What more do you need?

Wrestling

One of my boys' favorite activities is "wrestling." This involves going on our bed and letting them jump on me. I throw them around a bit, lifting them up in the air on my feet, a la Superman. There's generally some tickling, a lot of laughing and eventually someone getting bonked. But they keep asking for more.

So, we keep doing it (though I try not to do it right before bed because they don't go to sleep if we do it then). It's actually good exercise for me: I try to do a few reps with each of the kids on my hands and legs. It's also a good bonding time. And that's what is most important. I hope you're finding some good activities to bond with your kids as well--ones they want to do over and over again.

On Ice

Before my wife went to work this afternoon, we took the boys ice skating at a rink near us. This is Nils' first winter on ice skates. He's taking to it quite well. We didn't get out much last winter, but Anders is remembering what to do. If he holds on to a chair, he can zoom across the rink.

My wife grew up on a lake, skating between her father's legs when she was little. I'm envious of her skills. I didn't have those opportunities. I'm glad our boys are able to have them.

Swimming Lessons

Anders started swimming lessons today. We'd been wanting to for a while, but there were plenty of logistics that just didn't come together. But a friend is letting us borrow a car and we went with the cheaper lessons at the colder pool, so it came together. We had practiced some in the lakes when we were swimming this summer, but that wasn't often as it was a cooler summer.

But learning to swimming is kind of a must in the Land of 10,000 Lakes. And it's a skill we want him to have--and that he wants to have as well, which is just as important. The hard part was having making his little brother sit on the sidelines and watch--he just couldn't understand why we were going to a pool and he wasn't bringing his swimsuit with him. Maybe the next session . . .

Snow Play

We finally had some warm weather since the last snow fall so that we could get outside and enjoy it. We put on snow pants and got the sled and snow board out of the garage and made our way to the park next door. Winter days like these are great. We get out of the house, we enjoy the snow and the boys get some exercise. This is what winter is about. There are things to make it manageable on days we have to be indoors, but it's so much more fun if we can be outside.

Now we just need a nice snowfall with warm temperatures so that we can build some snow forts.